Today is one of those days I don’t want to be alone, but I feel lonely. It’s weird because I don’t really know why I feel this way, I just do. :-/ That feeling brought my fingers to the keyboard. I figure, since I’m being honest, I might as well keep being honest. (lol) There are probably those of you who are wondering why I feel lonely when I have a husband. Many people probably assume that once you are married that you are never, or hardly ever lonely. Well, see that’s the thing, I love my husband mostly because he gets me. For example, I enjoy different types of music. Instead of making fun of me like ‘friends” have done over the years for my varied genre appreciation, he finds what he does like in the music and rocks out with me. J I love that about him, but I digress. To the point, even though my husband “gets me” more than anyone in the world, sometimes there are isolating circumstances that no matter how much support is offered, I have to go through the experience alone. For example, pregnancy. It is one of the outward, tangible expressions of a couple’s deep love for each other. Although the couple made the baby together, it is the woman’s responsibility to carry and deliver the baby. There were plenty of times that I could not verbalize the way I felt during pregnancy in a way that my husband would understand. I felt lonely. There were many nights when I sat awake because the baby set his feet in my rib cage and refused to remove them. My husband would try to stay awake with me, but he needed his rest. I felt lonely.
To be sure that I gave equal attention to both the male and female perspective, I asked Jonathon if he ever felt lonely in our marriage. Jonathon said that he had. It was interesting watching his face as he prepared to tell me when. It was like he had known he felt that way but hadn’t really given much thought to it. I don’t know. It was interesting. Anyway, he said he feels lonely when he thinks about all the things that he has to fix or figure out. Although I can give my opinion or add some perspective, he is ultimately responsible for the outcome. He knows I’m supporting him, but he still has to navigate, whatever the situation. For example, he is the head of the household and feels a duty to make sure we are cared for financially. When our son came into the world, he felt that pressure more than ever. In response to this, he got a second job. He hated to spend time away from us, but as a man he knew that his first responsibility was to provide. This was a lonely place for him.
Why am I writing about this? Well, I promised full disclosure for God’s glory. (Imagine an elementary school child singing at the top of his lungs) “Show me your glory and I can change the world!” It is in these lonely moments when I experience God’s glory in a unique and special way. It is in these moments that I experience the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, in a unique and special way. In these moments I’m reminded of a few things. First, God is the only one who can truly fulfill and complete me. God knows my needs and the desires of my heart without me having to speak them. When I feel lonely I believe it is God reminding me that he wants to fill my love tank. Praying and communing with him brings me back into alignment. I am complete in him. My husband does not complete me he complements me as I complement him. (Notice I said complement, not compliment. Feel free to disagree. J Please share.) Second, God has blessed me with some friends who are amazing women of God. These women open there hearts to me. We can share experiences and encourage each other. These women always point me back to God’s guidance and promise to pray for me. Iron sharpens iron! Third, God has blessed me with an amazing husband who does not want me to feel lonely. He can usually tell when I’m in a mood and hold me and ask me what I need. Even if he can’t understand, his presence is comforting. God’s glory shows up and shows out!
As I am completely honest about these feelings, I believe God is able to help break down the stereotypes and misconceptions other people may have about marriage. He is able to get the glory, because His desire is for those that wish to be married to be happily married. God is able to speak to the husband or wife who feels wrong or crazy for feeling this way. It is in this shared experience that God is able to wipe away the tears of confusion, erase the worry lines, and restore hope and happiness. Real happiness is based in truth. The truth can be difficult to face and deal with. I struggle at times as I type these posts, but the desire to see God’s glory manifested is what keeps me typing. Talking to close friends who share similar experiences and emotions also keeps me writing. I type freely and honestly because I know it’s not just my truth. I know it is not just my struggle. I know it is not just my success. God has placed me in this season of life coupled with a desire to share for a very specific reason. There is healing in sharing. Thank you for sharing in my healing.
Song – Show me Your Glory: From the independent film “Show me your glory” Produced by Bishop Steven R. White
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