I’ve been gone for a minute. I told a friend of mine that I have started at least 15 different blog posts and not finished a one. I don’t know. I wanted to write and I have had so much to say, but not quite the right words or mental space with which to write. Today, as I wait for a course assignment to upload, I have decided to write.
Lately I have been feeling like The Little Engine that Could. I have to cheer myself on every step of every day – “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!” Ya’ll (ugh! I never use that expression) the journey has been real. Those that know me, know that I have a difficult time sugar coating things. I think this is why I have had trouble writing. The unsugar coated version of a story must still be told respectfully and in a way that will essentially glorify God and bless His people. So, I am going to take the telling of this portion of my journey in stages; small baby steps. Truthfully, I can’t tell it any other way because it is not over. There is no pretty bow wrapped on top of the box that contains the mess that was. No. About half the mess is in the box, some is on the floor next to the box, some is stuck to my shoe like toilet paper. *deep sigh* My prayer lately, and my wonderful prayer partners can attest, has been, “Jesus be a tall, strong fence!”
At this point you’re probably thinking, “Good golly, Jocelynn, what in the world is going on?!” Well, here’s the skinny – really the fat of the skinny. The pressures of life are weighty. It is taking Jesus spotting me to lift the barbell that I’ve loaded with too much weight.
(Part I) Weight – Motherhood. I love my son. I love the baby growing in my womb, but Lord it is exhausting being a full time mother. I read a blog post a month or so ago where a working mother talked about how she would love to be a stay at home mother (SAHM) because her house would surely be cleaner, dinner would be cooked and ready every night, she’d get to spend more time volunteering at her kids’ school, etc., etc. Hmmmmmmmn I thought to myself as I read. The grass always appears greener on the other side of the fence. It is true that I get to spend goo gobs of time with my baby, but a clean house and dinner every night. Negative. My toddler does not get the concept of clean. As I disinfect one thing, he is quietly spilling juice into the crack of another.
There is no time clock. I don’t get to punch in and out. My job goes from the time Jace opens his eyes until the time he closes them. This can be taxing on a relationship – my relationship with myself, my husband, and Jace – in a number of ways. I’ve been burned out. 24 hours a day – Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
I’m not saying that being a working mother is easier. I’ve been BOTH. What I am saying is, when I was working, I could shut work off at 4pm and come home to my family. Although I am a SAHM, I am still doing other things for me. My career ambitions did not vanish when I decided to be a SAHM. So what about my time? What about the books I need to read, papers I need to write, professional development I need to attend? It is very challenging to write a paper, read a journal article, or participate in a video conference with a toddler pulling you around the neck. Even as I sit on the bed trying to finish typing this post, Jace is kicking me in the back, whining, trying to talk in my face… *sigh*
I think I’ll stop here. Thank you for listening. 🙂