A text message – “I really need my friends right now.”
Within hours, three of my best friends from college were in my home city.
Crying on the phone – “The transmission went out on the car. What am I going to do? I have to get home to my mother.”
Without missing a beat or taking a moment to think, my best friend and pray partner replies, “Take my car. Full tank of gas. Go!”
Exhausted – “My mom just doesn’t feel pretty anymore. She hates the way all of her clothes fit. I wish I could go get her something new.”
A knock on my parents’ door. My Line Sister is standing there with a bag of clothes for my mother.
The list is endless. Endless acts of kindness. Love. The reflection of God’s unending, unflinching, unfailing love.
But in the hurricane…
When the winds are blowing and your boat seems about to capsize.
In the eye of the storm…
Do you see Him? Can you feel Him?
“God if you loved me you wouldn’t let this happen. If you loved my mother you wouldn’t let her suffer.”
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
-John 3:16 KJV
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Now, if you know me personally or have spent anytime at all reading this blog, you know I have to be honest with you. I have to.
While my mother was sick and after she passed, people kept sending me scripture. I laughed and swiped right. I thought, “Whatever. I don’t feel God right now. And you know what, I’d rather feel my mother.” Sigh. Reflection.
I share this because it is real and true. It is how I felt at the time. Over the last year several friends have lost their mothers. We have discussed the pain and reality of our hurt and anger toward God. So, I want you, yes you, the one reading along feeling the pain so deep in your chest you can hardly breathe, to exhale. Maybe you have not lost a parent, but you lost something and the pain won’t let up.
My friend, I’m telling you that you are not alone. You are human and you are LOVED.
Over the course of the last year I have been working through the emotions I have surrounding my mother’s passing. One day, my counselor gave me an assignment. I was to go somewhere and scream and yell at God. My counselor said, “Jocelynn, God already knows how you feel so stop pretending for Him. Stop pretending for yourself. You need to get it out.”
And I did. A friend volunteered to watch all THREE of my kids one day (LOVE) so I could have some time to myself. I got in my car and I parked in a random lot and I screamed. I’m sure as the sunrises that I looked insane to the occasional car or pedestrian that passed by. Sorry, not sorry because that was the beginning of the beginning for me.
So, back to God’s love. Just because God could not physically wrap his arms around me, He placed people in my life to do just that.
The night my husband came home and had to tell me. See, my mother told him first. She said, “Jonathon, I love you and I hate to have to tell you this first, but I need you to bring my baby girl home for Christmas (2015). Jocelynn is stubborn and she won’t be convinced of anything other than her plans. I need you to bring my baby home.” He could barely contain himself as he told me. We held each other.
The day I sat in my friend’s car and wept and wept and wept. “What if my Mom dies?” She just held me.
The day I laid on the floor in the fetal position talking to my mother in love on the phone. “We have decided to put her in hospice care.” I cried until I had no more tears. She sat on the phone with me and cried. Then, she got in her car and drove 8 hours to be there.
He loves us so much. And because He knows the pain of watching someone you love suffer and die He surrounds us. He is close to the brokenhearted because He knows a broken heart. He saves those who are crushed in spirit because He knows the crushing pain we feel. He also knows we are not God. We are not strong enough to handle that pain on our own. He loves us.
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